


Fake Happy

by Katiebug445



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29234157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katiebug445/pseuds/Katiebug445
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	Fake Happy

How many years had it been since he’d laughed and meant it? How long had it been since he’d smiled with real feeling behind it? When had he last felt genuinely happy? Armin wondered these things when he couldn’t sleep at night, when it was too quiet in the dorms and his thoughts were too loud. Sometimes, he would look out over his sleeping comrades and wish he could be as carefree as them, still finding reasons to be at peace while still fighting. 

But he couldn’t. Not for a long time now. 

His friends tried, of course, they tried very hard to get a smile out of him. Jokes were told, stories recounted, sometimes even Eren and Jean would fake-bicker in hopes of getting some kind of reaction out of him. Nothing worked. Nothing ever worked. 

Jean noticed this more than the others. Sometimes in those quiet moments, when neither of them could sleep, the sandy-haired boy would sit up in bed and offer a spot for him, if he wanted it. He always did. Other times, Jean would purposefully do something stupid, or make a mistake, just in hopes of pulling a smile out of him. Armin appreciated it, he really did, but it just… didn’t work. 

  
  


He awoke one night with a scream, the visions in his head too real, too familiar, too…  _ everything.  _ Armin sat in his bunk, crying quietly to himself with his head in his hands, his entire body shaking, and his panic rising in his chest. He’d sat back and watched in terror as his friends and comrades were killed and eaten right in front of him. Hanna. Franz.  _ Eren.  _ And he’d done nothing to stop it. In Eren’s case, it should have been  _ him  _ that was killed. It really should have. 

Armin sobbed, curling in on himself, feeling guilty and sick for allowing all of this blood to be on his hands, and was so tempted to just sneak out and scream. Nobody would hear him, would they?    
  
He allowed himself to cry for another moment, then decided to do it. He uncurled himself and pulled the blankets off, and was on his way to climbing down, when someone grabbed his foot. Armin yelped, pulling his leg back onto the bed, and was immediately shushed. 

“Shh!” Someone hissed. “It’s just me. You woke me up, I wanted to see if you were okay.” It was Jean. Armin immediately felt guilty for waking him up. 

“Jean, I’m sorry. I’m--” 

“Are you okay?” 

He hesitated for a moment, wanting to lie, but not having the strength to, and whispered, “No.” 

He could hear Jean moving around in the dark, and after a moment, he said, “Come down.” 

Armin sighed and began climbing down from his bunk, and was immediately grabbed by the taller boy, who brought him over to his own bed. “I have room. You shouldn’t be alone right now.” 

“Jean--” 

“No.” 

Armin climbed into Jean’s bed and sat near the edge in a ball, not knowing what else to do. After a second, Jean’s weight dipped the bed next to him, and Armin’s body sagged just a little towards him. The taller boy put his arm around him and brought him close, and Armin knew he could feel him shaking. He hated it. He hated how weak he felt, how cowardly he was. Part of him wished Eren had just left him in the Titan’s mouth when he had the chance. 

“What happened?” Came Jean’s voice. He was so gentle in moments like this, when it was just them sitting in the dark. Jean was always so attentive and concerned with how he was, it almost made him want to cry. It was way more than he deserved. 

“Nothing.” Armin replied, wiping at his eyes again. “I’m fine.” 

“Armin,” Jean said, his tone serious. “You woke up screaming. You were having a panic attack. I’ve known you long enough to know what they’re like for you. You’re not ‘ _ fine _ ’.” 

Armin was quiet for a long time, not knowing how to reply, and thought maybe if he was silent long enough, Jean would either forget or fall asleep. He didn’t want to explain himself. He didn’t want Jean to know how weak he really was, what thoughts went through his head. Jean didn’t need that on him. Armin wasn’t worth the time. 

“You’re not answering me.” The other boy said, and Armin groaned. “Tell me what happened.” 

“I’m weak, Jean.” He said simply. “I slow everyone down. I did all the way through bootcamp, and I do now, too. I’m not like you, or Eren, or even Connie. I’m not strong like you guys. I can’t kill titans, I can’t save anyone. The only thing I’m good for is getting people killed.” 

Now it was Jean’s turn to be quiet. Armin thought that maybe he agreed, and that he just didn’t want to admit it, but then he finally replied with, “You saved our asses back in Trost. We would have all been titan chow if it weren’t for you, Armin.” 

“That wasn’t just me. You guys did all the hard work there.” 

“It was still your plan, wasn’t it?” 

“But--” 

_ “Wasn’t it?”  _

“Yes.” Armin replied, his voice barely above a whisper. He didn’t want Jean to do this right now. Not now. He didn’t want to hear the good about himself, because what was there, really? One good thing? One plan he wasn’t even sure would work? “But that was a lucky guess.” 

Jean huffed beside him. “You really need to learn how to accept a compliment now and then.” 

Armin couldn’t help it. As horrible as he felt, as much as he hated himself and figured Jean was just being nice, the offense in his voice did him in. He breathed a laugh, which turned into a giggle, which then turned into a full body laugh, and he couldn’t stop himself. He could picture the look on the other boy’s face clear as day, and oh god, it made his heart feel a lot lighter. 

How long had it been since he’d laughed like this? 

How long had it been since he found humor in something so stupid? 

“I’m sorry!” Armin gasped after a moment or so. “I don’t know what came over me. I’m so sorry, that wasn’t funny.” 

“You have a really cute laugh.” Jean replied, his voice a bit lighter than before. “I’ve never heard you like that.” 

“I haven’t had a reason to for a long time.” He admitted. 

“Well, I’m honored that I got to bring it out of you.” Armin could feel a finger touch his nose, just for a second, and he couldn’t help but giggle again. “What else can I do to make you do that?” 

“I don’t know, Jean.” Armin yawned, just a little, and sagged against him more. “I’m too tired to laugh like that again.” 

The arm around him pulled away, and Jean shifted so he was laying down as close to the edge of the bed as he could get, and left just enough space for him to fit beside him. “Then let’s sleep. I’ll just get you to do it tomorrow.” 

With a roll of his eyes, Armin lay beside him, his head resting gently on the other boy’s shoulder, and closed his eyes just for a moment. “Thank you.” 

Jean put his arm around Armin and pulled him closer, enough that the blond could feel his breath on his face, and Armin let his eyes close. “You’re amazing.” Jean whispered. “You’re smart and dedicated and one of the bravest people I’ve ever met in my life.” 

“Jean, stop.” 

“I’m not going to.” Jean retorted. “I’m not a liar, Armin, you know that by now. You need to know how important you are to humanity. To everyone in this room. To  _ me.  _ You’re good for so many things. You’re just  _ good,  _ period. If we have a chance in hell of getting through this, it’ll be because you’re on our side.” 

Armin sniffled and buried his head in the crook of Jean’s neck, not wanting him to see him like this. He wanted to ignore the compliments so badly, or tell Jean he was wrong, but he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t do much of anything except cry. 

“You’ve done so much for me, just in the last few weeks.” Jean continued. “I wouldn’t be as okay as I am without you. After Marco… I-” He stopped himself, unable to talk about his friend without getting too emotional. “You’ve given me a reason to fight again.” 

“Jean,” Armin whimpered, sniffling again. He couldn’t hear this. He couldn’t take hearing any of this. Especially not from Jean Kirstein. 

“Don’t doubt yourself too much. You’re the best chance we have, alright?” Jean squeezed the smaller boy a little tighter, and rested his chin in Armin’s hair. “You’re the best chance  _ I  _ have, anyways.” He added softly. 

That pulled the tiniest hint of a smile out of Armin, and carefully, he put his arm around Jean’s middle and buried his face in the other boy’s chest. Jean always knew how to make him feel better. Always had. And he did it just by being himself. 


End file.
